Having Trouble Getting Your Ex Back Try This Instead

Wise people say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. So many people, in the aftermath of an unexpected and/or unwanted breakup, find themselves falling into patterns of insanity while trying to get their exes back.

Its quite common.

Your heart is screaming so loud that it drowns out the things your brain is trying to tell you. The one thing your heart knows for sure is that it wants to stop HURTING.

It knows that the breakup is the source of the pain and it wants to fix it. NOW! The thing is, your heart says crazy things, such as: apologize, beg, and bargain. These are the things that will do far more to harm your cause than to see it through.

Instead of repeating all the things that arent working, lets try a different tactic this time around. Lets go for different results. Heres what you need to do instead.

Agree with Your Ex

Want to stop an argument dead in its tracks? Agree with the arguer. First of all, its a shocking experience. There have probably been many times in the course of your relationship together that youve continued an argument youd known you were losing just because you werent ready to admit defeat. Weve all done it.

Stopping the argument is one thing. Its a grudging acceptance, but one your ex can mentally process. However, AGREEING with your ex is a new tactic that will leave your ex reeling.

More importantly, it will leave your ex thinking of you in an intrigued and perplexed way. Your ex thinks he or she already knows whats coming next. Agreeing throws them off balance and reveals that you do, in fact, still have a few tricks up your sleeve.

Stop Trying so Hard

Im not advocating giving up. Im not even telling you that you shouldnt try to get your ex back. Im telling you stop working so HARD. You need to work SMARTER; not harder. The direct approach isnt going to work in the days and short weeks following your breakup. Youre going to need to do your best work behind the scenes if you really want to get your exs attention.

Begin with what you know about your ex. How did you win his or her heart in the first place? What is it about you that your ex has claimed to love the most? Identify that. Understand it and save it for later.

Next you need to identify where the problems started. Was there a specific event, argument, or misunderstanding that began a downward spiral for your relationship? What could you do now that would tip the scales once again in your favor? Now is the time for thinking and not the time for action.

Do you need help coming up with the exact plan of action or working out the timing of putting your plan into motion? More importantly, do you have a plan for what comes next? Once you get your ex back, you need to know what its going to take to keep your relationship on a more even path in the future. Let me help you with that and so much more.

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Silly Mistakes Derailing Your Efforts to Get Your Ex Back

How long have you been working to get your ex back without seeing any real results? Many people in your shoes are surprised to learn that it isnt what you arent doing thats holding you back. Its the things you are doing, that are working against you. Here are a few common roadblocks that could be derailing your trip back to relationship bliss.

You are Proud to be there for Your Ex

Its a noble idea. Really it is. However, if youre there for a friendly ear, a comforting shoulder, or a fast perk-me-up whenever your ex needs it from you, your ex isnt really missing out on the benefits of being in a relationship with you. Its getting all the fringe benefits of a loving relationship without putting in the work to keep things going. Instead, youre going to have to let your ex deal with the stings life delivers sometimes without the solace of your comforting presence.

You Keep Trying

I know this one goes against everything your heart (and to some degree your head) is screaming at your right now. However, in times of crisis, reason isnt even in charge of your head either. Reason rarely rules the heart. Why should a time of emotional distress be any different? One person cant do it all in the relationship.

Pat Benatar had it right when she sang, "Love is a Battlefield." Love is war and the winners, in love, have a plan. The tactical advantage goes to the one who retreats, assesses the situation impartially, and plans a strategic assault with victory in mind. You had better believe love is war. And you need to take a little time to assess your current position, the hostility of the terrain, and the best path to victory before you go in with guns (or in this case Cupids arrows) blazing.

You Attack from a Position of Weakness

Fans of NCIS know that team leader Gibbs is always telling his team not to apologize. According to Gibbs, apologizing is a sign of weakness. While thats a philosophical debate for the most part, when youre trying to save your relationship or get your ex back, it is often viewed, the leaving party, as a sign of weakness. You dont want to make your move from an inferior position. Instead, lead with your strengths.

Show your power. Establish your dominance. Come in swinging from a position of strength and dont ever let your ex see you sweat. Theres nothing sexier, to members of the opposite sex, than confidence. Be confident in yourself, your contribution to the relationship, and the fact that its just not time for this relationship to end.

Above all else, dont make a move until you know what youre going to do next. Have a contingency plan in place for a favorable outcome as well as a less-than-favorable outcome so that you dont come across as desperate if you dont win this round. Your mind needs to remain focused on the long-term prize of getting your ex back and every plan needs to ultimately lead you down that happy road.

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